You Can Fix Him

You probably shouldn't. But if you really insist, at least do it the right way.

“I can fix him” are the most romantic four words in the English language. Naturally, everyone reacts to them with alarm.

People will say that “fixing him” is literally impossible and also will definitely backfire. It’s unfair to him (he never asked!) and unfair to you (he’ll never thank you!). Wanting to fix him means you shouldn’t be together or maybe that you must love him unconditionally or somehow both at once. Even if we can’t agree on why you mustn’t fix him, we all agree that you mustn’t.

And yet: he needs fixing. He can be fixed. People are constantly changing — it can’t all be random drift. If anyone can fix him, surely the person who loves him can.

Or her. The cliché is that women hope to change their husbands while husbands hope their wives never change — both end up disappointed. This may be a result of women hitting the marriage market earlier and dating guys who are slightly underbaked. I’ve certainly been tempted to “fix her”, for various values of her and of fix. In this essay, I’ll mostly stick with fixing him for simplicity. I recommend reading this from both points of view: the fixer and the fixee.

Not Actually Fixing Him

“I can fix him” has two obvious failure modes. The first is: “I’m signing up to live with something I can’t live with”. Abuse, addiction, infidelity, severe disorders. Even if you could fix these eventually, you’ll have to live with them for a long while first. You have to be ready to live with them forever.

If you’re fixin’ to fix someone’s glaring issue, you should have a good answer to why he hasn’t done this already. He’s aware of the problem, aware of its persistence, and aware that he can get you as a partner despite it. You’re starting from a harder difficulty baseline than all the previous attempts to fix it, his and other people’s, and they all failed.

Another thing you shouldn’t be trying to fix is his willingness to commit or escalate the relationship. You can live with it for a while, and that’s the problem: you’re losing time which you can’t afford to lose. And since commitment issues are visible much later than a drug habit, he knows that he can not only get you but also your replacement despite them. If every time you mention moving in he remembers how he’s always dreamt of solo-climbing Kilimanjaro, he’s not the one that can be quick-fixed here.

The other error is when “fix him” means “shape him to my liking”. Throwing out his cargo shorts and making him vacuum the couch aren’t “fixes”. It’s perfectly fine to ask your partner to satisfy your preferences, even if these affect personal choices like summer fashion. Giving more and asking for more are the prerogative of a great couple. But even if you’re tempted to make your dissatisfaction his problem, it’s important not to confuse the two.

These are the failure modes, but success is also possible. It requires wisdom, persistence, charity, and devotion. It’s probably too hard: how many projects in your life have you successfully applied all four of these to? There are easy and productive ways to not fix him instead. Before you attempt any major remodeling, you should at least have some compelling reasons to reject the alternative.

How to Not Fix Him