Opposite and Equal

Dating grievances show you a mirror, not an enemy.

Dating is much harder for women. It is known.

A woman gets slut-shamed for being available, called a bitch for being unavailable. Women are objectified and valued solely on looks, which they’re racing against age and each other to maintain. They’re constantly pestered for sex, frustrated by commitment-phobes, endure abusive relationships — and yet are punished socially for trying to set standards and norms. They have to worry about sexual assault and harassment. Going into a relationship means going into labor — both literal and emotional. Women are constantly judged for prioritizing careers over relationship and themselves over others, and they’re also judged for doing the exact opposite. Every girl just wants a guy who is loyal and supportive, while she herself is buried under a slew of impossible expectations.

Dating is much harder for men. It is known.

Women demand guys make the first move, then call them entitled creeps when they do. Men don’t get compliments, just a list of icks and red flags and toxic masculinities. Yet if a man is made to feel insecure he’s ridiculed even more. Men face immense pressure to race for status and financial security before they’re “too old” for the girls they want. In the eyes of women, guys find themselves somewhere between “invisible” and “a threat” regardless of their intentions. They have to worry about their reputations being destroyed by a single unproven accusation. They get financially exploited from the first date bar tab to the alimony for children they lose in divorces. Every guy just wants a girl who is loyal and has a nice ass, while he himself is buried under a slew of impossible expectations.

Did I forget anything?

Sex Bias

First thing we notice about these lists: they’re long, and yet could be ten times longer. The discourse is a generator of grievances. You surely also have some more to add just from your own experience. But you probably didn’t think that both lists could be easily expanded, just the one that explains why you have it worse. That’s the one you tend to be exposed to and feel compelled by.

The other side’s grievances seem overblown. If you’re a man, you likely have never seen a woman’s ass grabbed because no ass grabber will do it where you see it. When you’re told it happens, it’s easier to brush off because you don’t live with the fear of physical coercion every day like some women do. The complaint itself feels unfair to you — you’re not the one groping anyone, why are women blaming you for what some other asshole does?

It’s not just our natural biases that are at play here, we’re also targeted. We’re being fed our sex’s gripes by algorithms on social media and by friends over drinks. They’ll expect you to react more positively to it with your clicks and your sympathy, while the other sex mostly complains when you’re not around to hear it and get mad. If you don’t seek it out or stumble on it on social media, you may be quite unaware that they think they have it so much worse.

And so the ultimate complaint of each sex is that the other doesn’t truly get it. That men ignore how hard it is for women. That women have no sympathy for men. How could you date someone who has no empathy for your pain, only talking points about their own struggles?

Supply and Demand

Second thing we notice about these lists: they’re surprisingly symmetric. You may feel that one list is more serious and the other exaggerated, or that one side is more to blame for everyone’s troubles. But it’s hard to deny that on paper, dating seems to be equally rough for men and women.

There are two reasons for this parity. One — a lot of the problems each side faces are the same problem. “Hypergamy” and “fuckbois” are really the same thing: a minority of men string women along in noncommittal relationships, often many women in parallel, and face few consequences for it. Likewise, the minority of men who are sexual abusers and the minority of women who are gold diggers or malicious accusers cast a pall of suspicion over everyone else. Many of the complaints boil down to the fact that finding the right partner is challenging, and building a relationship is challenging. This is true for anyone: man or woman, straight or gay.